Tribe Sisterhood Campout: 2016

This past weekend I attended Tribe Sisterhood Campout at Mullen's Farm in Elburn. Going into it, I wasn't exactly sure what to expect. I found myself super "hermit" like, and taken aback as I just observed everything that came to be. I didn't network much. I talked to a few ladies, but I mostly just sat back and listened to conversations. It was a LOT to absorb. It almost felt like a bit of a culture shock in a way - but when you got down to it, we really were all the same... Of same faiths, of same beliefs, of same values. Just all different expressed in our own unique individual ways.

This was my first time camping in a tent. Granted, I've back yard camped in a tent before (or glamped as some of the guys like to tease). But I've never put up a tent in my life... and I've never been on an actual camp site. So that was pretty neat! Something I definitely want to do more of (but only in the cooler months). The first day opened with an amazing opening circle ceremony and then the entire day was filled with workshops.

Photo Credit: Shelli Mullens

Opening ceremony starts with us in a huge circle surrounding the fire pit. We all join hands and spiral around the pit. Once we are back where we started, we grab our embroidery floss we chose at registration. Shelli tells us to go to 2 sisters whom we have never met and to tie our strings together; end to end. Once we do this, we then take it to one person who strings it through some sort of apparatus before sending it over to Shelli. Once all ends are taken, the end result is a HUGE web which we are all tangled up in. After all ends were accounted for, all of our strings were then connected together, weaved though the apparatus into one beautiful multi-colored strand. 

The End Result:

Photo Credit: Shelli Mullens

Then started the workshops;

The first workshop we went to was about Collective Healing. We were late to the workshop because we lost track of time, but I felt like we arrived at the best possible time to tune into that conversation. Almost like we got there exactly for what we needed to hear. Denise was so sweet and of course everything she had to say was so insightful! This workshop was all about focusing on our basic needs and being able to give empathy rather than sympathy. To be able to recognize why someone is acting the way they are, and to not take on the energy they are giving off; but merely empathize with them. Because, we have ALL felt the way someone is expressing anger or sadness before. 

It was just a lovely talk and I'm so glad we were able to tune into it.

Second we went to the Shamanic Journeying workshop with Heather. This was to me a bit of a "culty" part of the workshops. Honestly, I had no idea what I was getting myself into when I did it. I read up on it a little before attending and thought it would be super interesting to attend. I come from Christian faith, but I am so intrigued by all other faiths that I love exploring and watching.

We set up in a barn. Immediately, I recognized the energy in the room. It wasn't bad, but it wasn't good. I just took note, and took a seat in a spot that called to me. When she began, I just remember feeling really uneasy. I think I even heard "Go Get a Bible" in my mind and smiled and thanked my Grandma Don for being with me. She instructed us to call upon our spirit animals if we knew what they were. I don't; but immediately called upon the Phoenix for some reason. So, we begin with the rituals and visualization and at this point I'm just really on edge. I can feel the energy begin to shift in the room and I notice my hands in a grounding mudra. 

When she finally gets to me, my eyes are softly closed, and I am still clenching my fists in this grounding mudra. I'm holding really tight when I feel as though I'm about to be touched on my back. I keep my eyes closed. She continues and later on starts with the drum. At this point, I feel really uneasy. I feel a male presence behind me and the closer she gets, I begin to feel as though someone is breathing down my neck. My fists are now wrapped around the arms of my chair and I'm white knuckled. She approaches me and my eyes clench tighter. The drum is beating and it's vibrating my entire body. Clenching the chair, eyes tightly shut, I begin repeating in my mind over and over "I only let light in. I only let light in. I only let light in." I must have said it 50 times. Finally, the feeling went away. But about 5 minutes later she decides we need to move from the barn. I overhear her talking about the negative energy and I'm super glad I wasn't the only one that felt it. I don't know what message I was supposed to receive... But that definitely wasn't the way I wanted to get it. Outside, we each took turns beating the drum.

I am not sure I want to do this again. It was definitely an experience.

The last workshop we attended was a Meditaton led by Pavla. This was by far the coolest experience. Also in the barn. I know what you're thinking. But no, the energy was completely different!!! It was lighter... It even seemed brighter in the room.

We began our meditation with 12 rounds of OM and it felt GOOD! The entire thing felt fabulous! Almost as though I was floating. Pavla begins to take us through a journey of the chakras begining in the root and asks us to see a brick red color. As this color finally appears to me, she begins to ask us to visit the sacral chakra. Immediately I see bright orange. A warmth comes over my body and after a while we move to the solar plexus chakra. She calls for us to see yellow and almost immediately again, a bright vivid yellow appears. This woke me from my trans. Not only was it so bright, it was almost like someone was shining something towards me on purpose. I open my eyes to see if that's what she is doing but there she is, eyes closed, still talking us through the meditation. I'm kind of shocked, but amazed and so I close my eyes and drift back into the meditation. We move to the heart. Normally this is green however this time I don't see green. I see pink. She chimes in with describing why we may be seeing pink. It was as if she literally just read my mind and I open my eyes once again. She's still talking; eyes closed. The rest of the way through the chakras, I couldn't see any of the colors. I think by that time I had awakened myself from it too much to get back.. BUT I also felt myself drifting to sleep. So, that could also be why too I suppose. I left the meditation feeling very calm. Which only made me interacting with people even more of a challenge.

After that, we walked around to the various tents and I listened mostly as Caitlin networked and offered her barters up.

For dinner Caitlin and I packed tons of snacks. But I also picked from the potluck buffet. Then after, we returned to our tent to get ready to just chill. As we were getting ready, we were called to the campfire for story time and songs.

There An told the story of Bluebeard from Women Who Run With Wolves. (I ordered the book today). I've heard of the book but that was the first time I've truly learned what it was about. I'm super intrigued and I'm so looking forward to a great late summer read!

An telling the story of Bluebeard

After, we headed back to our tent and decided to do some tarot.

We each decided to work with the Animal Spirit Deck and then also my regular tarot deck. The questions we asked were;

1.) What was the message I was supposed to receive in the barn?

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2.) What message does my spirit guide have for me.

My Spirit Animal Card: Panther

Literally every single one of my cards, from that Panther card to the 3 I pulled from the tarot deck ALL had to deal with purging. The message was literally as clear as day and I remember Caitlin looking at me after she read the 3rd card to herself before reading it aloud and saying, "You better go home, and f***ing PURGE!" As she read it, I got goosebumps.

So... My new project is to develop a schedule to get everything I want to done around the house. Last year, I made a check list to keep on the fridge for a few months. I set assigned projects to weeks and weekends and forced myself to complete them at those times. Then, to give myself even more satisfaction, I even made a check off box to check it off as we completed. 

I'm going to be doing this to tackle all of these overwhelmingly large projects!

All in all, though I was so quiet and taken aback. I learned so much and I literally CANNOT WAIT until next year!

Love & Light Sisters!!!

YOU are more important than a number!

A few weeks ago I went to dinner with a few friends.  At one point during this dinner, I remember making note of my butter knife and imagining what it would feel like to slice my veins open with it. Thinking that it had to be better than enduring this entire dinner conversation. This is literally what I envisioned as I sipped my alcoholic beverage and listened to this discussion go down. This hasn't been the only time. In fact, I've been brewing a post like this since January; if not before. I just feel like lately, I keep having the same dinners over and over. So much so, that I've finally decided I'm going to say something.

So, the ENTIRE 3 hours spent over dinner revolved around weight and the number that reflected back to them on the scale. Sure, at times I may have felt super uncomfortable during these conversations because I was definitely bigger than the rest of them, and if they thought that about themselves just what did they think of me?

But listen, if exercise and getting healthy is what you’re into; by all means! And Kudos to you for working on your health. Seriously. Losing inches and pounds is HARD work and you most definitely deserve to be congratulated and applauded for each pound lost and the dedication it took you to get there. It's inspiring! It truly is! But if your entire dinner conversation revolves around a number on the scale; THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG! If you’re holding yourself back from dating or from taking a trip because the number on the scale doesn’t reflect what you, in your mind, classify as “perfect”; then THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG! Regardless of what that number is, you are BEAUTIFUL!  

No, I’m not just saying that. You are so much more than that number. You see, were put on this Earth to make a difference regardless of how big or small you are. That number, small or large, DOES NOT define you as a person and quite frankly I hate to break it to you, but changing that number will also not define you as a person either.

It’s not going to magically drop off a man at your doorstep… It’s not going to magically make everything okay. You’re going to get where you so desperately want to be and the unhappiness isn’t going to magically go away.

By now you’re reading this, infuriated with me and thinking “Well Miss Know It all, what should I do then?” My answer to that is, well, I’m not exactly sure. I don’t know all of the answers. But what I do know is that from the moment you begin to look within yourself your life will begin to drastically change.  If someone walking down the street taunting you about your body and the way you look isn’t okay; then why is it okay for you to be doing the same thing to yourself over and over like a broken record? Those flaws or imperfections you’re focusing on day in and day out are YOU. In all retrospect, they aren’t really flaws; they’re what make you a person. A beautiful, living, breathing person with beautiful insight and valued opinions appreciated by the world and the people like me that reside in it.

It’s time to focus your attention in and become comfortable in our own skin! I know it's easier said than done. Of course, even the most positive person has their days where the self-negativity arises. But I promise you that if you remind yourself over and over that YOU'RE WORTH IT, that you are more than a number, that you're more than the size of your calf, arm or your butt and focus your attention on the positive; that negative self talk will go away. It might come back... Matter of fact, I'll warn you that it most definitely will.  Just because I say that it’s okay to tune into your body and accept the way it is doesn’t mean you can’t long for change. It’s okay to want to change your body!  To work towards a healthier you. It’s okay!

What’s not okay, and what I won’t just sit by and watch, is you tormenting yourself over the way you look or the number that reflects back to you on the scale. Of course I’d like to work on my own body and improve my health by shedding some of the excess weight that I carry. But do you know what I don’t want to do? I don’t ever want to lose ME! Because big or small, I am still me and I’m not going anywhere... and neither are you.

All the love in the world,

M

Dear Future Student,

My goal in this yoga world has always been to be the stepping stone. 

A stepping stone for the one who says "I can't ever do yoga" or a stepping stone for the one who simply needs an hour of stillness. 

Yeah, I'm going to push you, but not in only physical ways. Sure some of the poses we will do may be challenging. But I’ll tell you, THE most challenging thing you can do is be on YOUR mat. In your own body and in your own mind. 

Everything; EVERYTHING in life stops us from tuning into ourselves even the slightest bit. 

So yeah. It's probably going to suck that I'm asking you to be still. To control your movement by using your breath of which you're also controlling. 

It'sp r o b a b l y going to suck that I'm explaining the pose, walking you through it a couple of times and then there is silence.

You're probably going to want me to talk.

To fill in the void. 

But guess what? 

This is where YOU come in. If you can't be okay with the silence, THAT'S where I need YOU work.

It isn’t that I’m not leading you. I'm watching. Of course, I'm going to make sure you aren't struggling. I'll even chime in to remind you to focus on your breathing and to make sure you aren't holding your breath. I’ll even step in sometimes and tell you where to focus your breath or your energy.

I'm going to throw things out like ‘Hinge’ pose, where I'm asking you to truly think about which body part is moving and when. This pose is great for your hamstrings, glutes and core. But do you know what's getting more of a workout? Your mind! 

You have to remember to inhale and raise your arm, to exhale and lower it at the same time you raise your leg, to inhale again and lower your leg and raise your arm up above your head. Then after all of that, you have to remember to stop. That on that next exhale you're only lowering your arm before you begin this whole entire sequence of movement again. 

Sure. Those muscles you're working are getting a great workout. 

But your mind… That's what’s getting the brunt of it. 

It's okay that you don't like slow yoga. 

It's also okay if you want a faster pace. 

That means you've progressed past the point of my instruction. That means it's time to push yourself more to experience the benefits of other styles and postures in yoga. To see what else there is that you like and don't like.

It could also mean that while you've mastered the types of poses I'm cueing, you haven't yet been able to in tune to your body. And although you can complete an entire Vinyasa flow sequence easily (which I commend you for), you may also need more work on slowing down and getting in tune with your body!

Please know though, in no way, shape or form did you just waste your time;  For one, you learned something about yourself. You learned what you like – and what you don’t. You even spoke up and said what you preferred! That’s amazing! Do you know how many people keep silent on that kind of stuff?

You should also know that you didn’t waste my time either. That last hour we just spent together is so valuable to me. I’ll use it to better my teaching in the weeks, months and years to come. I’ll make changes and tweak things we did. I’ll even pull things that I really liked from our time together and bring them into a future class of mine.

In that short amount of time we spent together; we both learned things! Seriously, how rare is that? How amazing is it you can leave a situation having bettered yourself, and the person you just experienced it with?

Just remember, in the midst of all the chaos, to always check back with yourself. To give your mind that work out again, and to take the time your body so desperately needs in order you to listen to yourself. 

b l e s s e d

In life there are always people who come and go. They usually have some sort of purpose or meaning as in the end; you learn something each time someone comes in and each time someone exits your life.

Then there are those who come into your life, like a beautiful storm. They uproot you - in the most powerful p o s i t i v e way. In a way you've been longing for without actually knowing it. They change you. I met Caitlin when I was first starting Yoga. Quite honestly, if I didn't have her as a teacher I truly don't think I would have fallen in love with Yoga as much as I have. Everything about Caitlin is beautiful. She just has this way with people and it's amazing. I am so grateful that we have also become good friends in this life and I seriously cannot thank her enough. She has believed in me when I didn't. She's encouraged me when I needed it, and she's listened to me when I've asked. She is by far my greatest inspiration not just in my Yoga journey, but in life!

Quite a while after my practice started, she began suggesting I check into a teacher training program. At first, I thought; (and even called her) crazy! But as I began attending more than just her Yoga class, it started to click. I needed to do this. I needed to offer what I was looking for in a Yoga class. Because I knew people like me were growing discouraged.

It was her I went to when I felt lost and needed that last little nudge; and it was her I went to when I first got accepted into training! Not only was she ecstatic for me to begin training; she also began developing a plan for me. And this was where I really realized; "Man. I am so freaking blessed to have someone like her in my life."

A couple months after I was accepted at Ganesha, she approached me with this amazing idea. She was going to take a break from teaching over the Summer (which of course was a major bummer for me - but I understood). But while she did that, she still wanted the studio to offer Plus Size Yoga. This time it would be offered as a drop in; with rotating teachers.

She had mentioned to the studio owner about asking me to student teach a class. She would help me sequence it and it would be a start to my training so to speak. I remember just staring at her in awe. I couldn't believe this was actually happening.

In the short time I've known her, my husband and I have become great friends with her and her husband. We've hung out at parties with her HUGE awesome family and I've watched her grow into a beautiful loving mother to the most handsome baby boy. I so truly blessed and eternally grateful that God brought her into my life. I can't even imagine my life (or even beginning this Yoga teacher training for that matter) without her at this point.

I will never ever be able to thank her enough for what she has done for me.

You can go check out Caitlin's Facebook page - Plus Size Yoga here. She offers classes as a series at Shine Studio in Batavia.