Regularly for quite some time I have attended a Thursday evening Plus Size Restorative Yoga Class at my Yoga studio in Batavia. I was going with the flow, eagerly looking forward to my Thursday nights - even if that meant I had to record Grey's Anatomy and watch the next day. After our Spring series last year, our instructor announced she would be leaving for her maternity leave much earlier than expected. She would be out until after the 1st of the next year. I just sat there. I was literally heartbroken. Here it took me so long to find something I loved, and just like that it was gone. I didn't know what I was going to do. But I knew I needed Yoga to be in my life. She gave us class lists that best fit in with the type of practice we were used to and she encouraged us to go out on our own and try something new. That whole concept - try something new... That wasn't in my vocabulary. Even if it somehow made its way into my thought process, there was quite some time of me going back and forth in my head, and with friends, about whether or not to go through with it.
Almost like clockwork, a friend of mine had sent me something she saw in a park district catalog for a Plus Size Yoga class. I thought, well.. Here goes nothing!
Not only did I sign up for that class, I signed up for a Monday Candlelight Restorative class as well. I needed to get out there and try new things. By this time, I had learned a lot about my body and my self; so even if I was the biggest person in the class; I knew my body and what to do. That made me SUPER confident going into it.
Que the Candlelight class. It was almost 9 on a Monday evening. That was really late for me to be doing something on a work night. But as I pulled up to the building, it was magical. It was held in an old school house building that was converted into a church before the park district took it over. The building itself was glowing and I remember just staring at it in awe. I somehow managed to make my way in with my yoga mat. The floors were so beautifully warn, they creaked with every step. The streetlights poured in through the stained glass windows and surrounded the room with warm rays of light. I set up my mat, and sat down just taking in everything. We were each given our own personal candle as the instructor set up the candles around the room.
Class began after taking attendance and there I was at my first faster paced class. The thing with park districts is; there are little to no props given. Especially depending on the location. One class may have blocks and straps to offer, but the other may literally have nothing but the space. This particular class had only straps.
So, there I was. Definitely out of breath, lost in the practice. My strap laid at my feet, and I just stood there practically in tears. The poses were HARD! But not only were they hard; they were also fast. If I couldn't get into a position at my studio, it was a lot easier. Because not only did my instructor know modifications for me, there were also props. If I couldn't reach the floor in a certain bend, there were blocks. If I couldn't grab the back of my foot behind me, while I balanced on the other; there was a strap. If that strap wasn't long enough - there was another strap! If my feet hurt; there was a golf ball to roll out the bottom of my foot. If I needed some kind of lift during a seated pose; there was a blanket. If the blanket wasn't enough (and 9 times out of 10 it wasn't); there was a bolster.
The instructor came towards me and sat next to me. She was trying to figure out a modification for me. "Duh, the strap!" she said. "I totally forgot about the strap, here try this". That helped. But, at that point, I was even more frustrated. I knew my body. I knew what to use when I needed to. I knew what would work. But it was almost like, in that moment, I was so self-conscious about everything going on around me, I forgot it all. I forgot how to use the strap.... Who forgets that?
Now the Plus Size Yoga class at the park district was the Yin to my Yang. It was much different than the Restorative one, and I didn't reap the same benefits. BUT, I still benefited from the class. This was faster paced too, and more like a work out. So, it was nice to have that balance.
In this class, the teacher was MUCH better at using props, and finding modifications. But, I found seated forward folds to be super challenging when sitting directly on the floor. It's hard when you're short, but also have a tummy. I couldn't get as deep as I wanted, and boy could I feel it. I wasn't benefiting from it either. It was only hurting or making my breath short.... and I certainly wasn't "in the pose". Again, at the studio, I was used to props. So, I always had a bolster to give me a boost and help me reach the goal of the pose. This was not one of the props offered. The only thing that seemed to help was using a foam block. But lets be real, Mishelle needed TWO blocks to find comfort just in sitting. So, I started using 2 blocks when she would instruct us to reach for a block. But, even this grew tiring. I was just frustrated that we were in the same poses, but I wasn't feeling near as good in them. I was losing my breath a lot, and I became extremely focused on that. Which did NOTHING for me.
Finally, I broke down and ordered my own bolster. Not only did I do that, But I became "that girl" who lugged her 20-something props (okay, it wasn't THAT many) into class. "That girl" who everyone looked at and thought "why is she doing this?"... I wanted to walk around that entire class adjusting and offering bolsters, blankets and eye pillows. Guess that should have been my first clue I needed to be a teacher, huh?
I was in such a better mood because I wasn't just benefiting physically from my classes now, I was benefiting mentally again. I was no longer beating myself up for loosing focus or for not getting into the pose. It was still different, but I was still feeling just as great! I've come a long way since those classes last year. Of course, there are things I still need to work on.
My point here is; props aren't a bad thing! You shouldn't feel self-conscious because you need an extra block, or because you need a strap to help move your leg into the correct position. You CAN be that girl (or guy for that matter) who lugs their own duffel full bag of props into a class. Sooner or later, adding props comes natural and you don't even notice those looks that you get from your neighbors.
It's also okay that sometimes your emotions get the best of you. But don't stop shining because of it. After all, we are human! Pick yourself up, take a breath (or two), dust yourself off and start again. Don't give up! Don't ever give up! It's easier said than done, but I promise you; if you start again, you won't regret it!
Looking for props?
Here are a few of my suggestions on where you can find your own yoga props.
If you're looking for bolsters, eye pillows or blankets, I suggest you try;
(click image to be directed to website)
A few of my personal suggestions would be; THESE BOLSTERS, straps like this, or these amazing eye pillows. This site offers amazing prices, plus really nice discounts if you sign up for their e-mail list. I've found the best time to shop is around Black Friday when they typically offer something like an additional 25% off their entire site. Shipping can also be FREE! (Just look for the coupon codes!)
I've also found some great things at Five Below! There you can find things from foam/cork blocks, yoga mats and straps for $5.
(click image to find a location nearest you)