Life is all about choices. We choose to wake up. We choose to go to work. We choose what to do with our free time and we choose with whom we do it. We make tiny minuscule choices daily. But what happens when those choices aren’t so small? What happens when they’re life changing? I haven’t always made the best choices in my life. But the most beautiful thing about that, is that they’ve helped define who I am.
One of my most pivotal choices in my entire life ultimately became the undoing of who I always thought I was. It was the absolute removal of the innermost layer of self righteousness that kept me from being “her”. You know who I’m talking about. That girl you watch and silently form opinions on. That one who you talk with your friends aboht over cocktails and dinner. But it was in this way of decidedly ridding myself of this self-image that I had of myself, that I learned genuine compassion for my fellow sisters and most importantly; for my self. Everything I’ve ever believed in has basically been thrown out the window. Everything I thought I once was, I am no more. I am learning what forgiveness takes. I am learning that I truly am capable of anything in the human expression - just like anyone else. I am not special. And it is in this understanding that becomes the most freeing feeling I’ve ever felt. The most humbling feeling I’ve ever felt.
For someone who claims to be present, I rarely am. Most of the time I’m only pretending to be. I am the queen of distractions. Using smoke and mirrors to disguise my reality - to mask the hurt.
But now it is time I chose me! Now it is time I look in the mirror and tell myself that I am choosing MY LIFE in THIS MOMENT - just as it is. Without wanting to change, alter or fix anything.
Now I am moving toward balance in every way possible.
Now I am realzing that I am worthy of my own self love. I have always been worthy but too ashamed to believe it.
Its time to grow up. It’s time to stop blaming. Maybe it wasn’t my fault - or maybe it was. But dwelling on the very fact doesn’t change anything. It doesn’t stop the world from spinning or the time from changing. The only thing it does is distract. It uses those smoke and mirrors to make you live the illusion.
I am so tired of living the illusion.